Ulysskis: July 12, 2020

Stately, lithe Brian Ladd breasted the divide into No Woods Basin, bearing a sturdy pair of Atomic Kailas on his girdled pack. He peered into the wasteland of the Basin, which stretched out before him, the white of the snow dampened by the thin sheen of Idaho crop dust and slight touches of pink snow mold. He raised his arms to the sky and intoned:

-Introibo ad altare Ullr.

Halted, he peered down the canyon from whence he came and called coarsely:

-Come up, Bushynuts. Come up, you jejune agnostic!

Edward stepped up to the Pass and warily gazed over the dull expanse of white. Without a word he dislodged the heavy pack from his back, pawed beyond a damp wetsuit, and retrieved a musty pair of touring skins.

IN THE HEART OF NO WOODS BASIN

The pair had traveled 10 miles and climbed 3,500 vertical feet through Teton Canyon and Alaska Basin before dropping into No Woods Basin. The skins, unnecessary as they were given the firm sun cupped snow, provided a novelty that suited the nature of the outing. The divide into No Wood Basin was the symbolic middle of the trip; the crossing of the Teton Crest. Peak 11,094 rose to the west; Static Peak and Buck Mountain towered to the east. The pair traversed the Basin and scrambled to a col between Buck and Static Peak, bringing them to the top of the skiable terrain.

STATIC PEAK BASIN IS CYNOSURE THIS FAIR JULY DAY

The basin between Buck Mountain and Static Peak generally offers fair to good late-season skiing; however, this day the snow was far more sun cupped than usual. Nevertheless, the skiers managed satisfactory turns 680 vertical feet from the col to Timberline Lake. The skiing was fairly nondescript: Not easy enough to be enjoyable, nor hard enough to be particularly memorable.

THOSE SLIGHTLY RAMBUNCTIOUS SKIERS

Ineluctuble modality of slush. Rhythm begins: a turn, two turns, then straight-line toward the crystalline waters. Keep to the left, away from the black adiaphane marking the depths of Timberline Lake. Lean back, close your eyes: ineluctable modality of the audible pond skim. The sound of slush on skis, of water spatter, of your ski partner’s coarse and triumphant yells of “Duuuuuuuuude!”

What was the objective of the skiers, and by what route?

In order to satisfy the requirement of skiing for a 237th straight month of skiing a minimum of 500 vertical feet of snow, the adventurers set off from the trailhead at Teton Canyon at 6:43 a.m. with the intentions of hiking up Teton Canyon, into No Wood Basin, then skiing into Stewart’s Draw and descending via the east slope of the mountains, thereby completing a west-to-east traverse of the Teton Range.

Into what drainage would the sweat from their efforts drip?

From minute one of the trip until approximately minute 390, sweat from their temples would drip into the soil and infiltrate, permeate and percolate, that which was not lost to transpiration eventually making its way to Teton Creek; there to the Teton River, then to the Snake River, to the Columbia River, and then to the mighty Pacific Ocean. From minute 391 until the 660th minute, such sweat would end up in No Wood Basin’s stream or Stewart’s Draw, eventually emptying into the Snake River, and again eventually into the Pacific Ocean, as the entirety of the Teton Range lies on the West side of the Continental Divide.

How could one calculate the speed necessary to effect a successful skim across the open water of Timberline Lake?

The answer involves Newtonian mechanics and is dependent upon several factors including the surface area of the skis, the weight of the skiers and all they carried, the laminar nature of the lake surface, the slope of the in-run to the lake, the deceleration of the skier as he crossed the open water, the rate at which a specific amount of water collides with the bottom of the skis at a specific speed, and the width of the passage of open water.

Were any other sports/activities practiced on this trip?

Edward Bushynuts donned a wetsuit and completed a 307-yard open-water swim over the duration of six minutes and fifty-six seconds in Mirror Lake in Alaska Basin, stopping when all feeling had left his hands and feet, likely as a result of constriction of the blood vessels sometimes referred to as Reynaud's Disease but not causing permanent damage to the extremities when exposure is limited to such short durations.

***

Yes I said yes because I never did that before except for that one time at that Easter celebration but I stood up too soon and fell into the water still it wouldn’t do to have Search and Rescue dispatched to retrieve a body from a failed attempt so best to stick to shallow water but of course I'd be gone just nothing so I suppose it wouldn't matter to me but embarrassing to my family in any case if I brought a lifejacket I could go further but I was on a high for the remainder of the trip down Stewart’s Draw despite being exhausted and wondering what can I ski in September because Garnet Canyon is so grey and the snow gets so icy like that time the new snow slid on the Cave Couloir and I had to point it into the rocks and I thought maybe I can’t do this anymore but Im still doing it years later but that was such a blast but it was maybe too early to be in Alaska Basin the flowers are so much better in a few weeks do I think I want to go back there later this year but probably will look for snow up Paintbrush Canyon but I hope my toenails don’t fall off they are so jammed into my boots descents are always better if you can stay on trails but at least there’s water but I should get a Steripen so I don’t have to carry so much weight but maybe I’ll bring a life jacket next time then I can go across the deep part yes and not worry about drowning yes and I’ll do it later so the wildflowers are in yes and my heart was going like mad yes and I can’t wait until next month and yes I will Yes.

Rafter J, August 21, 12:00 p.m. - 3:45 p.m.