Get Your Mind Out of the Gutter
- edwardsbushnell
- Dec 31, 2022
- 3 min read
This is a post about skiing. Anything you happen to read into it...well, I suppose that says more about you than me.
I’ve always been a chionophile*, so my interest was piqued when, chatting with a clatterfart** at the local watering hole, I learned of a certain virginal slope on the lee side of a gigantic butte. He questioned my stamina in reaching this creamy white backside, but I knew I was up for the task: I was operating at peak performance and would rise to the occasion.
I could barely sleep the night before my planned trip; my head swollen with phantasmagorias*** of the ultimate schussing pleasure. I awoke at dawn and embarked on the long and hard journey.
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* Any organism that loves the snow and can thrive in cold winter conditions. See https://highparknaturecentre.com/index.php/blog/2020/word-of-the-week-chionophile
** A gossip; one who cannot keep a secret. https://forreadingaddicts.co.uk/word-of-the-day/word-of-the-day-clatterfart/
*** A constantly-shifting complex succession of things seen or imagined; a scene that constantly changes. See https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/phantasmagoria
After what seemed like an eternity I came to the butte proper. Dripping moisture had formed cock-bells* on the stiff boughs of spruce. A dank smell emanated from the swollen girth of the wood, and a ray of warmth poked through a dreamhole** in the branches. My heart was pulsating throughout my body as I climbed up, finally mounting the spine above the butte.
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* Old English (Kentish) dialect for icicle. See Page 67 of A Dictionary of the Kentish Dialect at https://www.kentarchaeology.ac/cassets/KentishDialect.pdf. (The Bargrave MS. Diary, describing the weather in France in the winter of 1645 says, "My beard had sometimes yce on it as big as my little finger, my breath turning into many cock-bells as I walked." (see also Aquabob, Cobble, Cog-bell, Icily)) Also known as "cong-bells" (Id. at 69) and not to be confused with "congbells" (no hyphen), meaning "the drips of mucos from one's nose. Id.
** An opening in an otherwise solid wall or barrier that allows light to enter. https://www.wordsense.eu/dreamhole/
My phalanges* stiffened noticeably as I invaginated** them into my moist gloves. I gripped the shafts of my poles and pumped them into the yielding snow. I was both guilty and excited knowing I soon was to bumfiddle*** the heretofore unmolested snow-white carpet. Fortunately I knew I was up for it, having a multitude of fartleks**** under my belt.
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* The bones found in the fingers of each hand. See Johns Hopkins Medicine at https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/treatment-tests-and-therapies/anatomy-of-the-hand .
** Enclose, sheathe. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/invaginate.
*** To pollute or spoil something, see, e.g. Wednesday's Edge: Drop the fanny-blower, bumfiddler, and read this," Oregon Live, October 4, 2018, at https://www.oregonlive.com/edge/2014/09/wednesdays_edge_drop_the_fanny.html.
**** A workout utilizing unstructured intervals of high-intensity training. See "What is a Fartlek Run and How Can it Help You Get Faster?" Runner's World, September 6, 2022, at https://www.runnersworld.com/uk/training/a36362823/fartlek-run/ .
I jaculated* onto the slope and made a tetheradick** of turns. I traced a path down the curved inner slope just above a natural "v" but thought it too reckless to continue down that path so pulled out of the gully hole at the last moment. The run seemed to last a mere sexagesm*** of a minute, and it was over. A burst of pleasure, followed by exhausted contentment. I was beyond fulfillment.
My only regret was that I was without an escort. The great philosopher Balzac once said: “Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell that solitude is fine.”**** Next time I vow not to do it by myself.
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* Trans. Verb: To throw or hurl forward. See https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/jaculate
** A sheep scoring number equal to thirteen. This and other numbers are thought to be remnants of Brythonic languages related to Welsh and Cornish. This version of thirteen specifically comes from Keswick, an old market town and civil parish in Cumbria County, Northwest England. See https://omniglot.com/language/numbers/celtic2.htm.
*** A sixtieth of something, a fraction. See https://www.wordsense.eu/sexagesm/. Certainly you should not confuse this word with "sexagism," or the act of sending sexually-themed messages to a significant other. https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=sexagism. Such a dirty word would have no place in a wholesome ski blog as this.
**** Honore de Balzac was a French author who lived from 1799 to 1851 and is thought to be one of the greatest novelists of all time. See https://www.britannica.com/biography/Honore-de-Balzac.
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